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Why, no, I’m not a writer…

27 Aug

First of all, I want to say upfront that I am actually a writer. Sort of. That is, in the literal sense, I write a lot. Poems, stories, engineering reports… I’m very versatile! In fact, I like to think I’m actually pretty decent, as far as general writing goes! However, nothing freezes my blood as much as being introduced as a writer to an unsuspecting person. Why? Because, inevitably, the conversation will go like this:

“You’re a writer?”

“Er… yes.”

“What do you write?”

“Poems and stories, mostly.”

“Oh really? What kinds of stories?”

“Well…”

It’s at this point someone, usually a family member or a close friend, will suddenly appear and say, “She’s written a novel too!”

“Oh, really? What is that novel about?”

Introduce: the awkward pause.

…sound familiar?

(more…)

Comic from Inky Girl & the Criticism Sandwich

21 Oct

Whenever I criticize someone as part of my job, when reviewing a story, or just in general, I try to do it as a critique sandwich.  You start out with something positive, then move into the negative, then finish off with something positive.  If the story is really bad, then the negative part can be very meaty, but people are more likely to take your advice if they know they are doing at least something right.

And sometimes that may mean being really diplomatic: http://www.inkygirl.com/critique-groups-revisited/

Write That Caption!

15 Oct

Why Punctuation Is Important

12 Jul

Dear John,

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior.  You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy – will you let me be yours?

Gloria

Dear John,

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior.  You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we’re apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

Yours, Gloria

Source: Writing Jokes

Dancing Walrus

30 Jun

Dude… this is one of the most amazing things I have ever seen:

Dancing Walrus

When Justices Rhyme

26 Jun

If you’ve been listening to the news lately, then you’ve no doubt heard about a string of Supreme Court decisions that have proven to be somewhat controversial.  Of course, that’s how it always goes, but since the Supreme Court is in the news, it feels appropriate to go with a Justice theme for today’s post.

A couple of days ago, Lynlyn, a member of the Young Writers Society, sent me a New York Times article from 2002 about a rhyming justice.  That’s right, a rhyming justice.

From the case of Mr. Porreco vs. Ms. Porecco in Pennsylvania, Justice Eakin wrote:

A groom must expect matrimonial pandemonium
When his spouse finds he’s given her cubic zirconium.
Given their history and Pygmalion relation
I find her reliance was with justification.

Apparently Justice Eakin does this quite a bit.  From another case involving a woman with two dogs who sued a driver who ran over one of her dogs in which he wrote:

The car was coming much too close, something inside told her;
the next thing Mrs. Zangrando knew, a poodle flew over her shoulder.
To appellee this was nothing short of an unmitigated disaster;
the wingless Angel’d taken flight and ascended quickly past her.
In this brace of miniature poodles, neither one wide nor tall;
one may have been named Autumn,
but t’was Angel took the fall.

Oh, but it gets worse.  From a case in Michigan involving a car and an oak tree written by a different Justice:

We thought that we would never see
A suit to compensate a tree.
A bankruptcy judge in Florida:
Upon consideration of Section 707(b), loud I cried
The court’s sua sponte motion to dismiss under Section 707(b) is denied.

Can it get any worse?  Yes, yes it can.  From the bankruptcy case of In re Robin E Love, Debtor written by a Judge A. Jay Cristol:

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary
Over many quaint and curious files of chapter seven lore.
While I nodded nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door,
“Tis some debtor” I muttered, “tapping at my chamber door—
Only this and nothing more.”

Ah distinctly I recall, it was in the early fall
And the file still was small
The Code provided I could use it
If someone tried to substantially abuse it
No party asked that it be heard.
Sua sponte” whispered a small black bird.

The bird himself, my only maven, strongly looked to be a raven.
Upon the words the bird had uttered I gazed at all the files cluttered
Sua sponte,” I recall, had no meaning; none at all.
And the cluttered files sprawl, drove a thought into my brain.
Eagerly I wished the morrow—vainly I had sought to borrow
From BAFJA, surcease of sorrow—and an order quick and plain
That this case would not remain as a source of further pain.
The procedure, it seemed plain.

Judges, stick to your day job.

God Awful Metaphors

18 Jun

From http://www.etni.org.il/farside/analogies.htm:

The following originally appeared as winners of a
“Worst Analogies ever written in a High School Essay Contest”
in the Washington Post Style Invitational”

  • He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. Joseph Romm, Washington
  • She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station
  • The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t. Russell Beland, Springfield
  • McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring
  • From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and “Jeopardy” comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. Roy Ashley, Washington
  • Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. Chuck Smith, Woodbridge
  • Read More:

    http://www.etni.org.il/farside/analogies.htm

    Try coming up with your own as well!

    Write That Caption!

    16 Jun

    38c9a2.jpg

    Write That Caption!

    4 Jun

    carpool.jpg

    The Top 45 Oxymorons

    4 Jun

    What’s an oxymoron? It’s a figure of speech that combines at least two contradictory terms. Some popular ones are “a real live ghost,” “deafening silence,” and “pretty ugly.” After the jump you’ll find the Top 45 Oxymorons from Jokes of the Day, which is apparently a blog that couldn’t think of a better name for itself. After you’re done reading, post your favorite one or come up with your own! For anyone who listened to the last episode of the YWS Radio Show, you’ll know which one is my favorite oxymoron (hint: uno).

    Also note that these are jokes!  Not all of them are truly oxymorons (business ethics for one), but just here for fun. (more…)